Whenever you find yourself using words like “always” or “never” to describe a fight or a problem you have with somebody, stop and try to ask yourself the specifics: exactly what is the problem. There are few truly “always” or “never” moments in life, although it's easy to think of situations in those terms when things get bad. Learning to be specific helps cut problems down to their real size and teaches us to be more realistic about our relationships in general.
This chart (with examples included) can help you think about your problems in more specific terms:
|
Example |
General |
Specific |
|
Problem |
My friend never listens to me |
My friend ignored me last night when I tried to tell him something |
|
Feeling |
I'm depressed and this will never get better |
I'm just upset about last night, but I can talk to my friend about this so we can work to make sure it won't happen again |
You can make your own chart like this on a sheet of paper and use it to think through some of your own challenges.